my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
