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My Higher Power is John Stamos
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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