I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
