I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
