You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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