I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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