so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
