so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
