so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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