I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
