If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
