Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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