is your mom at the bar?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
