What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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