I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
