Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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