Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
