I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
