Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
