the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
