This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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