saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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