I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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