good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
