Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
