I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
