Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
