He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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