Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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