Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
