I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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