Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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