I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
bring money and cleavage
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize