Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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