I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
