Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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