Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
bring money and cleavage
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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