your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize