Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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