I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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