If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
