can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
