i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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