Please, let me fuck your mom
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
