I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
