I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
