Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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