There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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