My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
