If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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