i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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