Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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