Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
