I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
