Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
