please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
