i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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